Henry James once said; “Sorrow comes in great waves… but it rolls over us, and though it may almost smother us it leaves us on the spot and we know that if it is strong we are stronger inasmuch as it passes and we remain.” There is someone who passed away last night. I can’t decipher how I feel. Every emotion coursing through me feels complex -as if there’s a duality to everything.  This is a man I was very close with for a time. I was closer to him, in many ways, than anyone else at that point in my life. When I met him I had quit theatre. I had decided I wasn’t cut out for it anymore. I did an audition for him. In that audition I came back to life. I woke up from the nightmare I’d been living and knew what I had to do. Working with him gave me that. He once said “I’ll never forget the moment I saw the light and love come back into your eyes.”As our work progressed it got better, more electric than any work I had ever done. We found new depth in scenes we had done without each other before. Found new limits to which we could push ourselves.  New parts of our souls to expose and use.  After awhile our relationship got complicated. That’s an understatement to say the least but I’m not willing to divulge the details of his personal life or mine here. We hurt each other deeply. More than I or he had ever been hurt by other people. We were both damaged coming into it and we left with battle wounds large and festering. We cut each other out after months of pain. We stopped talking for our own mental health and the sanity of those around us.  After a few months we wrote a few e-mails. We missed each other greatly and we missed working together. Over the last year we talked briefly here and there. Always about getting together. Always about reconciling. We never did manage that meeting… He was a very sick man. He had cancer. From what he told me it was painful and ravaging. He had close friends around him and a support system… when he didn’t reply to my last e-mail I didn’t know how to find him. Didn’t know where to look. He had moved and I wasn’t willing to approach the people around him… mainly because I honestly think they would have told me not to go. That I had no right to him or that is was morally reprehensible to upset a sick and dying man. I wouldn’t have gone to make him miserable, I would have gone so we could both reconcile ourselves and find some closure.  Without that I’m left here in tatters wondering where to go or what to do. There was so much hurt between us… I didn’t think I’d be as upset about his death as I am. I was hysterical last night, inconsolable. I’m not much better today. Someone said to me “I’m feeling a lot of anger at people’s need to suddenly mourn when he’s gone and inability to acknowledge who was really there.” I’m not sure that was directed towards me or just venting but either way… I wasn’t there, they were, and that is something I deeply regret. I regret not pushing passed all of the bullshit from other people and being there for him when he asked me to be, repeatedly. I’m not sure why I didn’t. As stupid as it sounds, a lot of it had to do with my lack of patience with other people. He asked me, he contacted me and when they said shoo… I did.  I’m profoundly sorry that I wasn’t there for him when he asked me to be.  Terry, despite everything, I loved you dearly and you were missed every day you weren’t in my life. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you but know you were always close to my heart and in my thoughts. I know you were in a lot of pain. I’m glad that pain has at last been put to bed. You were a good man Terry… and you’ll be missed.